Originally posted on Phoenix:
I’m not going to go over all the wonderful contributions Martin Luther King Jr gave to the world. His accomplishments are well documented in movies, books and Wikipedia. I’m here to talk about my hope for his legacy and what I take from the life of this great man. And the most important thing I have received from his life is that he was flawed. This might sounds horrible for those who just stop there but read on and I will explain.
I’ve written about this before in my amazing blog post that no one read Snowflakes on my tongue, but the flaws of a great man show how my flaws aren’t a big deal. I’m always ashamed how as a society we look for and wait for how heroes to show weakness and fall. It makes better news to see Bill Clinton in a sex scandal, and decide not…
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Originally posted on Phoenix:
I read a wonderful article on the gay communities treatment of interracial couples. The focus was on black and white couples as most other interracial couples don’t seem to have the same stigma as black and white couples. As someone who dates all races, I can say I myself was most uncomfortable in my early dating life dating white men because of the looks I received. But this article isn’t about interracial couples. My thoughts have shifted to the difficult task of being a black man in the gay community and to be frank, it sucks.
When I first began in the gay community, it shocked me to see the segregated areas in the “mixed” clubs(naive I know), and the race requirements in gay profiles online. I had and still have a hard time dating even my own race as a large number of black gay men are only into white men…
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I’ve always known to he true the power of music in life and for the soul. Recently I purchased the new album of a long time favorite Brandy and was amazing at how many songs told the story of my life. One in particular gave me such a shock to my heart I felt it was time to reveal and own up to my biggest fear..myself.
Scared of beautiful tells the story of someone who is scared of the power they have inside. I don’t see beautiful as merely surface beauty but beauty from within as well. To shine no matter the surroundings and not be ashamed to be successful. It’s not just self confidence that is lacking, it’s a sense of shame that you can be great and should be great. It’s fearing reprisals from those unable to attain the level of success you can. It’s fear that you are only as good as your last whatever and the fall could destroy you.
Lyrics like ” Myself aint never talked to me like that before.” I have never said nice things to myself in the privacy of my own home. I don’t look at my blog as a triumph, I don’t look in the mirror and see beautiful. Until recently I didn’t even have a mirror in my room, another similar lyric in this song. I just didn’t want to be reminded of my nappy hair, less than perfect nose, and ever expanding love handles. With no mirror I could see myself as I want to be in my mind and the praise and admiration from others could stand to be the truth as long as I didn’t brush my a mirror and see my reality.
” Scared of the good more than the evil, scared of the light more than the dark, scared of the truth so much more than a lie, I’m scared of me, I’m scared to be beautiful.” I just ask myself how did she know. I actually might be beautiful but what do I do with that? With that realization can I all of a sudden develop more meaningful relationships? Will I finally establish a career I’m proud of? Does it all just come together? And I understand some might say yes, might say with that realization the real work can begin. The truth is I’m TERRIFIED. I kind of new I was scared of success and happiness. It’s tough to be living in that truth now more than the lie that ‘it’s just not my time‘ I’ve been living in for so long.
” Turn the lamp down, don’t talk to me, that light bulb, took something from me, or gave something to me, I can’t decide, I caannt decide. Took freedom, gave purpose, can’t blend in, too perfect, all this beauty ever gave me was a reason for some beautiful lies.” I’ve turn on my own light but I can’t decide if it gave or took something from or to me. Truth does that more often than not. It’s funny, I always felt different and outside the rest. I always felt I couldn’t and shouldn’t blend in. But I always felt the pain in that realization. Beautiful lies have been my personal Godsent.
So I’d love to end and say this song, my realization has send me into a great journey to end my fear of beautiful. I wish that neat little bow was around the corner. It’s a little messier than that but as least I’m not alone in my fears. What fears do you have?
Pride should be a time of self expressing, sheer joy to be ones self and to be unapologetic gay. It’s that time of the year where we accept the shades of gay that exist and tell the masses we are unashamed. So it really upsets me when those in the gay community want to relegate pride as just a party for the weird and an embarrassment to the majority of gays.
What I love about Pride is seeing all the sub categories in the gay community. I love seeing the gay families and their kids, the older gay couples still in love in their 60s, the activist gays, the campy gays, drag queens, club kids, leather daddies and yes the too cool for school gays all in one spot just happy being gay. It’s a change because these sub categories are rarely together as their interests and purpose are completely different except at Pride. This is what I see when I go to pride but that’s not what everyone sees. There are some that only see excess “fagatry”. They see a side of the gay community that doesn’t mirror themselves.
At one point I probably agreed with a few of the anti gay crowd. All I saw was pink feathers, makeup and glitter. I didn’t see myself so I was very anti pride. Then I actually went and I still saw the gay show but so much more. It was an eye opener for me. But there are still those that go and see what they hate in our community. I say blame yourself. You want to complain that the picture of the gay community doesn’t include you but you exclude yourself from being visible. You hide in the corner and play sideline coach and expect things to change.
I love the different colors of the community even though I don’t engage in each one. It takes all types but for those who decided not to participate and expect something different I say get over yourself and get out there. If you want to show a different side of the gay community than you have to be a part of the community. The face currently is of those not afraid to be different and step out of the shadows. You can make the same decision and just maybe effect change. It just bothers me all the ignorant attitudes out there even in our own community. It’s all talk and negativity so if you have the time to talk about what you don’t like, have the time to do something about it.
Pride is for everyone and if you don’t feel you are represented, be your own representative. I can say I go and still don’t see my common group. I don’t really fit in the above groups I mentioned at the beginning of this post but I support differences and still have hope the kind of gay man I am will appear. I am my own representative.
PS. Jaded is not the new black.
Gay relationships seem to take a different path than straight relationships. They either go from just meeting to married within the first week, to never getting started aside from the occasional call for no strings fun. The former reminds me of high school. You know when you had interest in someone and sent them a letter asking them to be your boyfriend. It seems the art of dating and getting to know someone has just skipped our community and we need to bring it back.
To me, the great thing about dating is the beginning getting to know each other part. If you want to put a label on the status of the relationship at that stage it would be called seeing each other. During the “seeing” stage, it’s very casual. You would go out from time to time, very light entertainment while finding out if this is a person you really want to date seriously. This is not an exclusive stage in the dating process. One can still go on dates with other because the purpose of this stage is to find out if you actually want to try for that exclusivity. There aren’t any hard and fast time limits before moving forward but this missed stage tends to lead to short-lived relationship and you being dubbed as a serial monogamist.
Once you’ve decided that this man is someone you can make a serious go with, then you move to the actual dating stage. During this stage you make it official that your goal is for something serious but it’s still only semi serious. You can decide if it’s exclusive or not but for the most part it should be because after the first stage you should have confidence in this person being the one to make a life with. The dating stage does seem like the first stage but the difference really is the intensity. Here you cut out the other distraction, increase time spent together and make it know this is the person I’m wanting to make something work with. This stage is more likely to be successful if you take the time to actually perform the first stage. The problem with the gay community is many jump to this stage first trying so hard to get to stage three and often times blurring the lines to both. It’s a recipe for disaster.
The third stage is officially becoming partners. In the dating stage you can say boyfriends but this stage really says, we have gotten to know each others good and bad sides, we have had a few disagreements and worked it out, yes this is my partner in life. This is when you change your Facebook status. It’s the lets move in together and make a life stage. It’s not saying let’s get married. I understand gay marriage is still not legal nationally but in a sense the partner stage is like the engagement stage. You increase again the intensity by living together, more vacations together, buy a dog, things like that. Most people stay in the stage for the duration and that is find. No one stage you have to move to the final official label. You can still merge finances and take legal actions to commit each other.
The point I’m trying to make is this lost art of dating really causes more sadness than joy. The back and forth, the breaking up and bed hopping, and the constant Facebook status changes can really be avoided with more patience and care. Besides, that first stage is a lot of fun if you use it properly.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let’s discuss.
I hear so often people say if you have no expectations than you have no disappointment. I understand that on its most basic level but how can someone truly not expect anything from a venture or situation. You go to the store expecting to buy the item you are looking for but that are out. It’s not really possible to go with no expectations because the item is the main reason you went to the store. You go to a movie starring your favorite actor and it is horrible. You expect him to really put on a performance like usual but this time it was lackluster. Should you really expect nothing from someone you enjoy?
The main situation almost always centers around friends, family, dating, basically interactions with others. You go on a date not really expecting anything but hoping for a good time and maybe that good time leading to something. It’s normal to do so and anyone who tells you otherwise really is just trying to make you feel better about a bad situation. It’s the same with friends, expecting them to have your back when you are in need, be there if you are sad, and not be the cause of your suffering. I don’t see that as an unreasonable expectation.
So are expectations bad? Yes and no. Of course a healthy outlook would be not to let the disappointing outcome get to you if the results fall short of expectations but to have no expectation is to have no drive or hopes. It can limit your wants and motivations sending you to your chosen goals whether it be love, financial, or sheer entertainment. Sometimes having no expectation can be a safe guard but playing it safe and limit the resulting joins when things exceed expectations.
The one best thing a person can do is expect the unexpected. Not expect to be disappointed but expect the unpredictability of life. For as much control as we have for our own fears, joys and successes, life and the universe will have its own way. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.
I expect that you get the point.
Everything in life has a cycle, a beginning and end. For things you want, the beginning seems to be the hardest, at least that’s true for me, but recently I have found that I have a common end to everything I start and I’m troubled by it. Its come to my attention(through self realization) that I can only continue a project for three months then I’m ready for something new or just retreat to my lazy self, and this is unacceptable for me.
I’ve always been aware of my three month dating habits. I’m one of those poor souls that my longest relationship has been ten months and it only lasted because he traveled so much. It made things fresh again and again to keep my interests. More often than not my relationships tend to peak at three months. I’ve begun not to take anything serious unless things make it over the three month mark but alas none have. This pattern isn’t the best of things clearly but one I’ve accepted as just not finding the right guy. I was okay with my three month itch in my relationships but now I see it’s in everything I do.
Take this blog. I was dedicated to writing at least three post a week. For three months I was on it hard but as of late, I’ve barely written a thing. June I pretty much took off and this is my first post of July( I actually have written longer than three months but I’m trying to prove a point). Recently I’m been working out very hard to amazing results. I began late March and pretty much stopped mid June trying to at least go once a week but I haven’t been able to do that. I somewhat knew about my three month itch in the gym but just never fully put it together. I always worked out for a few months a year then pretty much took the rest of the year off once I hit a nice level and began getting attention from hot guys.
This is a terrible pattern. I love writing, the gym and of course dating. These things make me happy but I stop them all myself around three months. What is that? What is the universe telling me or is it the free of success forcing me to stop? I truly have no answer. They say knowing is the first step but dammit if I know what step two, three and beyond are.
Today I’m going to the gym. As you can see I’m writing this post and I hope I’m not just beginning a new three month cycle. Time will tell. Time to meditate and figure things out. Tell me what you think and leave a comment below.
I was watching the season finale of Games of Thrones when I had a thought. Ages ago marriage was a contract. It was the merger of houses for profit, land and strength. It was strategy more than emotion and while romance is a wonderful thing, there wasn’t much in the way of divorce back then. Evidence suggests love can grow over time with friendship and compassion being a starting point. So while now we look for that spark, that body, that Nicholas Sparks romance; we might want to get back to the basics on this one.
I’ve been looking for love for a while and I have friends that have been doing it longer than I have. Once, I decided to make a deal with someone I was attracted to but figure I could probably do better so I never really attempted anything series. We decided that if in a few years we were still single, we would commit to each other and make it work. It started and ended quickly especially when I found that fairy tale spark with another. I just wasn’t ready to give up on the dream. I am still single.
Now I can hear the naysayers now. Love isn’t a contract or arrangement. But love comes from all kinds of places. Friends who never thought about sex or love fall for each other all the time. Sometimes its just something small that can turn respect and friendship into love that last a lifetime. So why not just start there? Start with friendship and respect with all intentions to grow a loving relationship. Can you really just decide to love someone no matter what?
I’d say yes. The intense feeling that begins a relationship is a chemical one. Science says after 3-5 years, that feeling fades and you are left with the real notions of what love is. Love isn’t flowers and candy everyday. It isn’t love letters and poetry. Love really is based on respect and friendship and those can be built up over time and decided on. You can truly just say, ‘you over there, lets fall it love’ and it can completely work. No one is making a lifetime movie about it but it doesn’t make it less powerful. I’d say it can make things even more powerful in the long run.
So now what? I’d say take a change. Commit to that one and see what grows. I think I’ve found someone to do the same thing with. I can let you know how it works.
This is my “I’m back” post and my “summer is here” post. It is June first and time to hit the beach. There are some who feel it’s important to focus on the body. To hit the gym nonstop to show off the guns, abs and chest. Then you have those who are just comfortable in their on skin and prefer to let it all hang out regardless of societies body image obsession. I am a fitness guy. I can admit to beginning the gym to help my self-esteem. I was a skinny guy, all ribs and bones and I got teased often. It’s funny how those that are overweight wish to be skinny as a rail, while the skinny just want some cushion.
The other day I was on Facebook and a friend talked about his story. It was a story of body image , the pain he experienced as a child and his entry into the gay community. He use to be a shorter guy with a little bit of weight on him. He never felt comfortable with his body or his height ,but lucky for him puberty hit and he shot up ending at 6’1. There was still a bit of a weight problem that left him with self-esteem issues and being in the gay community is the worst place to have self-esteem issues. He mentioned his tough time mainly because of the image of perfection we place on ourselves. As gay men, we already know we have so much to overcome with society already looking at us as perverts and sinners. In our own community we make it even harder by idealizing every cover model, athlete and porn star out there( let’s not forget about the masculine ideas of Tom of Finland). My friend, now mature and older, was commenting on how sad it was that we make it so difficult on ourselves and how we need to stop wishing for the moon, if for nothing more than to be supportive of our younger gays coming to terms with their sexuality.
Sounds great doesn’t it? Well my friend had to start his story by saying how he was part of the problem. He loves good looking men, muscles, masculine bear type men, daddies, etc. Nothing at all wrong with that. He also enjoys publishing pictures on his page and in Facebook groups illustrating his love of the male form. Again, nothing wrong with that. But he was telling his story in an effort to ask others to stop pushing such high standards of beauty while he does it himself. See my problem?
Of course being the person I am, I applauded his realization but asked now what? Was he going to change how he idealize men and contribute to this idea or was he just trying to sound enlightened while still publishing the next hairy muscle daddy to lust after? Needless to say he felt attacked and I looked like the bad guy but my intent was to say good job and let’s change together. My intent was to say congrats and let’s start a movement of support and a less body obsessed gay community. So I’m here stating my intent and asking my wonderful followers what do you think.
Is it possible to relax on our ideas of male body perfection for the greater good of the young gay men coming up, or are we just hopeless and lustful?