The Value of My Love

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It never fails that a break up can bring up issues with self-doubt and self-esteem.  I hate to even call my latest situation a relationship or a break up, but it was the beginning of something I was excited about. This “man” pursued me for a year and I finally gave things a chance; but as soon as I did everything changed.  The calls and texts became less frequent but when they came they were peppered with flattery and flourishes I didn’t need.  It was an overcompensation, but what for? I don’t want to breathe life into everything that happened but now I’m single and before I could be back to my old self I needed to grieve the lost of loves(click) possibilities.

imageI’m the type to review past situations to see where I could have made a different and better choice. When one becomes practiced at this, it becomes much quicker and as a result one spends less time dwelling.  I tend to only need a few hours after a bad situation to see my part and what I missed. I focus on me because I am the only one that I can change with the power of mindfulness. When I look back I always see where I decided to not listen to my gut or “root chakra energy”. Everything had been spelled out long ago, and I can say now that was the major hesitation in the first place leading to a year of no. Why didn’t I just stick to my guns? (click here for a great past post)

I pretty much see it as not knowing my value enough still.  This is a reoccurring theme in my life but it has gotten better( another past post). I just enjoyed someone being interested in me, putting on the full court press and yes giving me some flattery.  I didn’t want it to end and I be left waiting another year or two for another guy to see me as valuable. I was scared alone was my true being and I needed to hold on to this man for fear this was my last chance.  I didn’t mind the scrapes I was getting even during that year pursuit that wasn’t as full court as I made it out to be in my mind. I just didn’t believe my own worth.

imageThe thing is until I do, no relationship with work for me. Even Mr. Right will have a hard time dealing with the doubt I will unconsciously put on him. Wondering why your man hasn’t call is insecurity.  It’s thinking they must be with someone else, or just not thinking about you. Asking why you haven’t met their friends, thinking it’s because he doesn’t take you seriously as a couple, does nothing but deepen the damaged parts of you.  While I don’t suffer those situations much, I do when I really am into the person and have stopped understanding my own power. It’s not about playing games, it’s about seeing what you bring to the table as worthy of being treated right.  It’s always good in hindsight; but can that power be used through the dating process until that extreme respect and trust is established? I say yes but not yet for me.

I still have work on me to do.  Some will say if he’s the right guy then he will be there for you as you continue the work. My response has always been why put someone else through all that. Why not just put in the solo time, and then pursue relationships as you feel ready? I see both sides but in the end, dating is nothing more than trial and error until you find that person for you. The trick isn’t to be right and ready for each one, it’s to learn and not repeat the same mistakes.  I tell people all the time to fall in love hard and often, when I stopped doing that myself.

imageOne down, many more to go. (Check this post out)

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